smallvoice

Nahihirapan nako.. Ayoko ng makasakit ng tao kaya ako nalang ang lalayo.. The problem with me, is that I dont know which defines my happiness (or to defend myself, I know how, Fear just creeps in like a beast, fear that I may be judged the wrong way, fear that I might do the wrong thing, fear that I may not have no one to hold my hands with in the end, fear that I may just have remorse after all the risks and impulsive decisions.

A big part of me knows that in a gauge of 100 im in the first 30% side of improper imbalance. I'm in the wrong side, and that's the problem, I dont want to share this with people because I know, already know that the mistake is in me, I dont want to be told what to do and what not to do, I just want someone who will readily listen to what I feel. Infact, that's what life is isnt it? Life is about doing what what you want and saying what you feel and being able to express yoruself without wanting someone to impedes your value of happiness. We all need someone, strong enough, has patience to stand with our ups and lows, time by time, when life gets little hard, were caught in between right and wrong and sometimes, out of the blurriness of the world, we tend to go to the easier path which is in the wrong direction and that's where we'll need someone to give us the right route, someone who would give the light to our dark days, I personally believe that each of us has that special someone who we always think of when were immersed with dilemma and hardships, could be a mother, a father, brother or sister, or even a friend. With me, it has always been God, but honestly speaking, sometime's I also need someone who I could interact with, someone I could talk to and someone who would talk back at me, someone I can lean on to when even if I weight 116 lbs, I feel weak and light, there's someone who could carry me.

I dont know for some reasons, that I always think of Jason everytime I end up with that situation my life. Jason, my 1st boyfriend, the one guy that first showed me how it is to laugh, to do things I never imagine I could do, he taught me how it is to believe that true love endures, because up to this day, after 8 or 9 yrs or knowing each other, he still has a big part of my heart and I know that I have a bigger part in his.

It's unfair to peng that I always go back with my ex whenever I feel down but what should I do? feelings are uncontrolable, feelings are naturally fierce in every way possible. That's why I broke up with my boyfriend because I feel uncomfortable blurting out my feelings with him. I know I've hurt him.. I love him, I know I do but I just dont know why I still feel uneasy with him.. It's unfair, blame it all to me. I can take it all.

(To make it more different, I'll type what I pray for personal's sake)

05.07.09

Lord,

First, I want to thank you for giving me and my loved ones another day to live, another day that had gone by safely. Thank you for making us healthy and happy and alive. Thank you for all the blessings that you are showering in my and in my loved ones lives. Thank you for all the reasons that you give for me to smile and laugh and appreciate my life even more. Thank you for the Love, the care and the companion that you give everyday of my life for 21 years now. I want to tell you that I appreciate all that you give and all that I am now. I know my life now isnt very nice, I'm honestly having a hard time living everyday with the day to day routine w/o a job and in to a country I dont really want to be, I have so much difficulties trying to nurture my soul, All I'm asking from you is to give me more strength, courage in able for me to do the right action for my life.

I hope you know that I need you in my life. You are the source of my strength and forever I will always be needing you. Guide me to always choose to go to the right path, to always be with the right people, to always follow you in every way I can. Lord, Please never give up on me, never forsake me. I'm sorry for all my mistakes, If I happened to have hurt you or if I've hurt people w/o my awareness.

Give me the best days of my life with you, with my family and with the people I love.

I Love you and I will always have my faith on you. Forever until my next life.

smallvoice

I've been in a redundant routine everyday for two weeks now. The weather here in san francisco makes me sick and fat - It's cold! and did I just say I hate cold weathers? Deliberately, being a babysitter for my younger brothers has something to say in my life because of the fact that they're a family to me but as far as being happy and productive is concerned, I'm out of my way to bliss.

I broke up with peng last monday. Never called or answer his calls and pms. nothing would really happen if i dont for he is freakin 6 hour away from me! the hell with that! I'm just so fed up with our situation. Well, I have to agree that I didnt really mean to break up, more on to just break away because duh' I'm still head over heels with him!.

Fortunately, I surpassed the days w/o his voice on the other line of the phone (I knew I can really do this), but have to admit that It's hard and painful for my heart not to get in touch with it's main cause of rendering. So, atleast here where he cant reach me, I could say out loud that I've been desperately craving for him and I miss him so bad that it hurts!. Well, the one thing I loved about him is his pursuit of having me around or just plain talking to me.. I got an email from him this morning saying that he would go here on saturday! That was nnot scheduled, so I wore a grin for a little while! now I know what to do if I want him here-never talk to him! kidding!;p

I sometimes hate how my life is moving - stuck in a place where I dont belong, missing philippines and the life I had back then, Inlove with someone who is in different state which is Los angeles (oh I love the weather there!), and being so lonely and cold and fat here inside our loving abode full of junks and repetition of tv shows.

Now, after I run through the album photos of my high school friend in facebook, I was struck of envy with his summer pictures.. They went to the place where I've been wanting to go which obviously, would be impossible for me to go there now that I'm here in the states. F*ck! They went to Palawan!!!!!!!

The beach are clear blue and the sun is just lovely! If I were there, I'd skindip and burn myself to death! love the tan!!! But i'm not

smallvoice

Bored na bored ako hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. We just finished our lunch at max resto, as usual, when frustrated or pissed, the tendency is that I overeat. Well, I'm 120 or 122 lbs now, I want to lose atleast 20. Have a wedding to attend to on december, do you think I could make it?

Starting tom, I plan to never eat rice again. well, I have 8 more mos to challenge myself! and besides, it's summer here in the states - I need to be at my bestest shape. Anyway, I dont know why I still think of Jason up to now, does first love really never dies? Hmm. Whoever you are reading this. pls give me some answers to my questions..

I feel so bored, lonely, and fat - A normal feeling any girl regularly feels so the heck with my rant right? and besides, all of us should just focus on the good/better things that we already have in our lives. God is good! I still praise him for giving me another day to live today! Amen!

Me and peng are not in good terms. I hate how our Long distance relationship is going. I mean, duh, ofcourse I appreciate his effort of going here from LA, every 2 weeks. Ang gastos din nun, imagine, the airfare and the hotel, I mean, I salute the effort!, but can I just say (kahit dito lang) that it's not yet enough? tsk.

Ofcourse, I appreciate him but maybe I will never understand and appreciate the situation. It sucks! I hate it!